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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.