I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You Might Also Like
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd