Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
marvel comics have peaked
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.