I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears