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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Still cracks me up
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
my sentiments exactly
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.