Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.