I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.