Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
i hate you platonically
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine