*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.