(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
TRAIN’S HERE
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
When someone trying to leave me
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.