[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
You Might Also Like
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
WHY would you be happy about this?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
this is uni
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.