When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
So the ex texted me
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
This is my bus stop.