[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
LMAO.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck