Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”