I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.