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Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?