HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”