May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”