Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*