maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
You Might Also Like
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste