me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”