I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
You Might Also Like
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Simple