keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏