Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
You Might Also Like
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”