When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
This is always good for a laugh.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.