Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.