Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .