My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
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I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*