If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them