Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.