If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Ugh
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
School be like