It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
lmao
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Something Saturday.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….