The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
This could be us but you eatin’
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.