Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”