Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him