follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous