Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.