ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed