[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.