Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.