[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends