WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.