When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.