why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
cats when you pet them too long:
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.