If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The options really are this bad
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
road rage
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?