Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
You Might Also Like
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain