Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.