Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.