The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?