A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
o shit
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!